I'm the Onesie

by ranpen on April 18, 2010

Great growth opportunity and a fun working environmnet with a lot of support! We are ready to grow. Please e-mail ————@hotmail.com or call ———— . E-mailing resume’s is best and interviews will be set up from there

From: Randy Penny
Sent: Fri 4/16/10  4:25 PM
To: ————@hotmail.com

Dear Sir,

I became thoroughly enthused when I stumbled across your ad regarding the Service Manager position at the new Mexican Grill opening up downtown.  Frankly, I don’t know if I’m more excited about becoming a Service Manager or the notion of a new Mexican Grill opening up downtown.  I like Mexican food! Especially fajitas.  There’s something truly orgasmic about the smell of freshly grilled peppers and the sizzle of a piping hot platter as it’s being delivered to your table.  Mmm, What an experience!
But, I digress.  I’m looking for a position that will allow me to utilize my customer service skills and unique culinary knowledge.  I’m familiar with your restaurants and greatly appreciate the craftsmanship that is noticeable in everything, from the food to the decor.  (I should probably confess that sometimes I steal your cocktail napkins and set them out at parties. I hope this doesn’t dampen our relationship).  Your restaurants exhibit a certain class that is absent from most other establishments in town.  I find it particularly refreshing that each employee is required to wear black.  I have a black onesie that would be ideal for a weekend night or any kind of special event.
I have attached a resume for your review,  as well as a picture of my onesie.  Please contact me as soon as you can to set up an interview.   I look forward to meeting you.

P.S. I make a guacamole that is die for!

Thanks,
RP

Randy Penny

randypenny@hotmail.com

Work Experience:

Businessman – (Nov. 2012- )

  • Will play an integral role in closing lucrative business-to-business mergers
  • Will be a driving force in obtaining new sales prospects while wearing fancy ties and lavish wrist jewelry
  • Will make numerous phone calls throughout each workday that lead to irrelevant conversations about high-end acquisitions
  • Will be responsible for the maintenance of confidential files that I will carry assertively in a leather briefcase

Mystery Shopper – (June 2006 – Present)

  • Utilize oversized sunglasses and a fake mustache to unassumingly infiltrate retail outlets in order to assess product quality and employee professionalism
  • Complete and notarize unnecessary reports that detail all findings
  • Develop and implement unique strategies to remain mysterious at all times

Pet Food Taster – (May 2003 – June 2006)

  • Used sophisticated tasting practices to determine the quality and nutritional value of numerous brand name pet foods
  • Worked directly with a team of scientists to develop and infuse complex flavors into each product, i.e. Chicken and Fish
  • Assisted a team of strategic marketing professionals in creating extensive sales and marketing plans

Skills:

  • Microsoft Paint
  • Card Tricks
  • Escaping from Chinese Handcuffs

Interests and Hobbies:

  • Doodling
  • Exotic Animals
  • Mini Corn Dogs
  • People watching

References Available Upon Request

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